It’s around the corner – #26.

It’s the tradition. Every year friends would outrightly ask what do I want for my birthday.

Sometimes I asked for new set of gadgets, clothings for special occasions, or accessories that I can’t bear to splurge on myself. Anything i feel sinful buying for myself, my friends buy it for me + dinners.

Ah…. pampered…

This year i plan to celebrate my life with my besties, i owe them lots for the good times and bad times they’ve gone through with me… I might want to include my parents and some relatives too…

machiam  my 21st birthday i know. =D

suggestion – any good place for get-together ??

It’s September.

So much has happened that I am no longer in the mood to do anything. Hence the long hiatus away from this cyber corner of mine =(

I keep asking the same old questions all over again and rethinking my dreams. I’ve tons of them when I was younger and here’s some recap:

  • to own my first Mini Cooper before 30;
  • travel to Japan before 25;
  • master Japanese language before I embark on my maiden trip to Japan;
  • backpack trip to New Zealand;
  • bring my mum for holiday before she’s totally becoming too old & weak for it;
  • a career at 27;
  • I want career advancement;
  • I want to be a writer;
  • I want to be a photo journalist;
  • I want to be Mother Teresa #2;
  • a new camera;
  • I want to operate a laundry business;
  • learn stock & trading since secondary school days;
  • I want to take care of my family, practically referring to being financially-able;

I need a plan. I need to change, and if possible, advancement and seek out opportunities. Ever since my sister was diagnosed with myasthenia gravis some time ago, I foresee my family is going need me more in the future both financially and emotionally. That is already happening. You properly get some picture who is my father. I have a love-hate relationship with the man i loved most and it is driving me nuts at times. 

What I have at SLS is a passion, something that will always be a part of me. Sadly, the passion that burns will never bring me any closer to those dreams. Is it possible to have everything ? That will be way too perfect.

Feeling that emptiness because I have nothing. None of those dreams. Feeling useless because I cannot give what I am suppose to give as a daughter and sister. Feeling lousy because I am a selfish girlfriend who only plans her OWN future. I think singlehood suits me more. Feeling lonely because I have no one to talk to who can understand those feelings…

Then I found something that might get me move on and further.

It has been 6 good months. I’ve been learning new things in a new, fast-paced environment. Beside dealing with sick computers, i learn to deal with sick patients and troublesome company policies. The salary sucks, but I see this new experience essential to what I need in my resume. It is partly Sociology and interpersonal skills, you learn how to deal with complex situations. To name a few instances- I was threatened by someone who promised to give me a slap, “talking sense” to addicts, observing troubled families, etc.

Sort of like the way things are now. I have everything except $$$$$. Life is a jigsaw puzzle loh. Just a few missing pieces to complete the picture.

I must keep on going. Lee, jiayou. LOL.

The Red Parrot Fishes.

4 months ago my dad handpicked himself a pair of red parrot fishes. They look cute – he thought. What luck, it turns out to be a pair of female and male….

It was Lunar New Year when the pair had their first offspring. Some were eaten, some just died, some nip to death by tiger barbs or angels… Desperate, I seperated the parents and last baby into another aquarium.  Anyway, the last fry died in the end =(( but that begins my fond liking for red parrot fishes.

 

The aquarium comprised of shells and pebbles picked from Langkawi (pic below hehe), glass bottle, leafy green for them to nibble and air filter. Very economical setup. Gonna zhng it and make a more comfy tank for my parrots asap..

2 weeks ago, I discovered white eggs all over the aquarium’s bottom. New spawns ! now i know that it is possible for parrot fishes to become sexually mature at tender young age. second batch of offsprings, horny ah. The obvious sign of expecting new offsprings is when the father parrot starts to dig and move pebbles around the tank. A. LOT. Just like some men who paint their baby’s room with great eagerness and anxious for his child’s arrival. To an extend that the noise really annoys me especially when it is night. Did i mention the fish tank is inside my bedroom ?

Check out the fries darting around the aquarium. About 30 or so.. mum and i lost count.

The parents are very attentive and protective of their kids. It shocked me initially when i saw them swallow their babies and spit them out again at the nursery corner. Moreover the parents’ appetites drop a great deal over the past few days, I was worried that they are going to feast on their own kids. I read at some aquarium forums that it is normal for cichlid parents to lost appetites during incubation period… which i hope is true in the case of my red parrots.

I have no idea what/who to thank for letting me care for 2 innocent parrot fishes. cleaning the aquarium every 2 or 3 day is quite a chore due to hectic schedules. but somehow no qualms about that, i enjoy the process.

Signing off. gonna wake early for seng’s 4th year anniversary later. just told drago that i think i forget how seng looked like… boy, i miss you !!!

The last hope.

I’ve seen how families and relationships broken apart due to third party – that is extremely common on my paternal side of relatives. I’ve met man who strayed. I’ve met a man who never keep his promises. I’ve witnessed my mother crying badly when we were young. Recently, my mother has been down and out – at times her eyes red and swollen.

Why do women always suffer in failed/problematic relationships ? I am aware that more cheating women is on the rise now…. I swear to myself that I will never be like her, that I must be financially independent, that i must be emotionally stronger than anyone, that nothing can break me apart. I can only rely on myself for solace and comfort. And boy, it has causes me much emotional fatigue.

I guess that is how i sort of becoming quite feminist. And i guess thats why my past relationships never work – i resist too hard.

Thank goodness, I have a man now who loves me more than I love him… An angel sent down the period when my bro passed this world for good. (though at times he pisses me off real badly hehe). he never gets bored when i start talking how much i miss seng. always trying his best to keep me happy though he has super low EQ….

Why study Sociology. I am a curious cat. Perhaps I can do a thesis on what, how, why cause people to be unfaithful. Google on infidelity, common reasons are : 1) signs that marriage is heading towards doom; 2) boredom in bed with same partner; 3) thrill and ego; 4) getting back at spouse; 5) just itchy, etc

This world lacks compassion. Nothing is safe and trustworthy anymore. Hence please never take what you have for granted, the shittiest thing can hit on you. Shit hits on me because i was full of shit (i am saying this not to point at this particular cheating matter).  If folly repeats itself, maybe it time to reflect on yourself rather than blaming on others and the world.

The purpose of this post is to voice out my wrath on such issues and detail down the attempts i’ve made. It is common yet often hidden under the darkness of secrecy. I know I am not alone and I have no one wise enough to talk to. I am totally on my own to juggle with time, emotion and money. So I am not going to pretend that everything will be okay on its own. I’ve step on shit because shit gets in my eyes. So yea…. shit on you cinagolddiggerslut.

I want to take another approach and try to amend things. I am giving this folly another shot because I dread the thought of being fatherless.

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Decided to ditch the idea of renewing my subscription with webhost. Please be patience while I set up this new place =D

-rub hands-